Jody hovered over his wife, his arm coiled like a snake, the hammer in his hand, ready to strike again. "Lorraine, I told you to stop calling me stupid!" With one last grunt, he threw the weapon out the open kitchen window, and with a loud crack, it came to an abrupt halt, against the white picket fence surrounding the back yard.

    "Jody? Jody! Are you listening to me?" Lorraine drummed the kitchen table with her fingers. "Stop day dreaming, and get that blind put up. Sometime today?"

    "Yes dear. It shouldn’t take much longer." He held the tiny nail in place with his left hand, and brought the hammer down, with the right. "Damn!"

    "Now what?" Lorraine called out, from the living room.

    "Nothing dear. I hit my finger with the hammer."

    "I swear. You’re the stupidest man I ever known. Soak your finger in some ice water for a few minutes, then get back to work."

    Jody filled a short glass with ice, then added water, and his throbbing finger. He closed his eyes, and let the pain drift away.

    Lorraine lay motionless at his feet, blood trickling, from the wound to the side of her head. What should he do now? He couldn’t leave her lying there.

    His face brightened, to a devilish grin. Quickly, he pulled his pickup near the back door, and dragged Lorraine out, laying her body across the right front fender. He took some rope from behind the seat, and secured her hands to the front bumper. The last piece of rope, he used to tie her feet to the running board.

    "There’s one thing missing," he reminded himself.

    He went back into the house, and returned with an unused deer tag, from an unsuccessful hunting trip. This, he threaded through Lorraine’s ear, and locked it.

    He climbed back into his truck and headed to town, turning directly onto Main Street.

    "Stop right where you’re at Jody!"

    It was the sheriff. Slowly, the officer crossed the street, and inspected Lorraine’s body.

    "It’s legal," the sheriff announced, to the crowd that had gathered. "He tagged her."

    The bystanders erupted into cheers. "That a boy, Jody," someone called out. The sheriff flashed him a thumbs up, and the mayor presented him with a key to the city.

    "That finger has soaked long enough. Jody? Jody!"

    "Yes ma’am?"

    "I said that finger has soaked long enough. I swear. Not only are you stupid, you’re lazy as well. I must have been drunk, when I agreed to marry you. Now get back to work."

    "Yes dear. Right away dear."

    It was a nice thought, however, strapping Lorraine’s body to the fender of his truck and driving through town, though it wouldn’t work. He just needed time to think, but first, he would have to do something with her body, at least temporarily. Shadows were beginning to fill the room, as day rapidly turned into night. For lack of anything better, he dragged his wife under the kitchen table, and placed the chairs in front of her.

    "I’m finished Lorraine. Lorraine?"

    "I heard you the first time, you idiot. Let me check it out."

    Lorraine stood back, a short distance from the window, framing his work with her hands, like a movie director would a scene. A sour look swept her face, as she took out her tape measure.

    "This side is a sixteenth of an inch too low. Can’t you do anything right?"

    "I’m sorry Lorraine, I’ll..."

    "Damn straight you’ll fix it, but not tonight. It’s almost bedtime. Pull down the blinds, and don’t forget to padlock the back door."

    "Lorraine, we live out in the sticks. I never used to lock the doors."

    "That’s because you’re stupid. Someone could break in here, and we wouldn’t even know it. They’d hit you over the head, and probably rape me. Do you want that to happen?"

    "Nobody is going to rape you Lorraine."

    "Why not? You don’t think my body is desirable?"

    "No, it’s not that, it’s just..."

    "Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I marry you? I should have accepted Kenny Knight’s proposal, instead of yours. Why?"

    "Because I have a farm, and money. Kenny doesn’t."

    "Don’t bad mouth me, you little twit."

    His best friend Bubba, that’s who he could ask. Bubba had a computer, and he could get on something called the Internet. Bubba had told him, you can find out anything on the Internet. He wouldn’t have to worry about Bubba telling. Bubba hated Lorraine, almost as much as he did.

    Jody got a beer from the refrigerator, found the cordless phone, and went into the living room, where he sat in his favorite chair. He did some of his best thinking in this old chair, while drinking a few cold ones. An unhappy thought entered his mind. Come to think of it, he was sitting in this chair, with a fresh brew, when he got the ideal to marry Lorraine.

    "Hello."

    "Hey Bubba."

    "Hey Jody. What’s going on?"    

    "Well, I did it."

    "Did what Jody?"

    "Lorraine. I murdered Lorraine."

    "Really? How?"

    "Slapped her up side the head with a hammer."

    "Well damn son, it’s about time. What did you do with her body?"

    "Nothing yet, that’s why I’m calling. Thought maybe you could give me a few ideas."

    "I can’t think of any right now, but I can look up a few on the computer."

    "That would be great Bubba. Want me to call you back?"

    "No, give me about an hour, then I’ll call you."

    As he hung up the phone, Jody thought he heard a noise coming, from the kitchen. He had forgotten to close and lock the window next to the table. Vivid images raced through his mind. Was someone really trying to break into his home? What if they saw Lorraine?

    Slowly, he walked to the kitchen, and peered through the open door. A mercury light, mounted to a pole in the back yard, provided enough light for him to see by.

    "Anybody there?" He yelled out. He thought he had seen movement, in the far corner of the kitchen.

    "I said is anyone there?" No one answered. Not taking any chances, he removed a large carving knife from a china cabinet, next to where he was standing. "Come out! I’ve got a knife! Come out, and I won’t hurt you!"

    Still no one answered. Ever so carefully he entered the kitchen, knife raised, and ready to plunge it into whoever, or whatever, might come toward him. Further, and further he went into the kitchen, until he was convinced, no one was there.

    "Jody. Jody!"

    "Uh. What? What?"

    "Wake up stupid."

    "What’s wrong Lorraine?"

    "I can’t sleep. You’re keeping me awake."

    "I’m keeping you awake? How?"

    "Because you’re snoring, you fool. That’s how. Go down stairs, and sleep in that old chair of yours, then maybe I can get some rest."

    Jody answered, the phone on the second ring.

    "Hey Bubba. What did you find out?"

    "Well, I had many replies dealing with autopsies, you know, where they find out how the person died."

    "Hell Bubba, I know how she died. Anything else?"

    "Yeah, there were several things on body disposal, all of which were legal and not for us. Then I stumbled on one in particular. When I read it, I thought it was a little off, from what you were looking for, but on second glance, I figured it would work just fine. Tells you how to turn dead chickens, into fertilizer."

    "Chickens? Lorraine ain’t no chicken."

    "I know Jody, but think about it. If you can get rid of dead chickens, couldn’t you do the same thing, to get rid of Lorraine? You might even make a few bucks, selling her remains to the local farmers."

    "That does sound interesting. How hard is it?"

    "It’s easy. You probably got all the stuff you need, out in the barn."

    "Sounds good to me Bubba. Read me the directions."

    "Jody!" Lorraine yelled, down from their bedroom. "Jody! Wake up you stupid idiot!"

    "Yes dear, what is it now?"

    "Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!"

    "Sorry dear, can I get you something?"

    "Because of you, I still can’t sleep. Bring me up a glass of milk."

    "Yes dear."

    "And make it snappy!"

    "Yes dear."

    Jody finished writing the directions, and had just hung up the phone, when there was a loud knock at the back door.

    "Who is it?" he nervously answered, on his way to the kitchen.

    "Sheriff Butler, Jody. Mind if I come in?"

    He had to think fast. If he let the sheriff in, through the back door, Lorraine’s body would be in plain view. "Could you come around front sheriff? Lorraine has the door padlocked, and I don’t know where the key is?"

    Jody walked quickly, through the house, and met the sheriff at the front door.

    "This is Deputy Smith," the sheriff said, pointing to the uniformed officer with him. Hate to bother you so late, but I need to talk to Lorraine."

    "Gee sheriff, Lorraine is already in bed. She’ll be a might cranky, if I go, and wake her up."

    The deputy showed Jody a hammer he had found near the picket fence. "Is this your hammer?"

    "No sir. Looks a little like mine, but it can’t be. I keep all my tools locked up, in my work shop."

    "Found it over by the gate," Sheriff Butler explained. "Looks like blood here on the end." The sheriff paused briefly, before continuing. "Jody, I’d like to have a look around your kitchen. If I need to, I can get a warrant, but I don’t think it’s necessary."

    Jody consented. He knew what would happen next. They would find Lorraine’s body, and he would be arrested for murder.

    "Jody," Sheriff Butler said upon his return, "I’m placing you under arrest, for attempted murder."

    "Attempted? What do you mean attempted? Lorraine is dead. Didn’t you see her body, under the table?"

    Sheriff Butler, and Deputy Smith had to chuckle. "You didn’t kill her," the sheriff answered, "only knocked her out. She regained consciousness, while you were on the phone, and then she climbed out the kitchen window. Drove herself to the hospital. The emergency room doctor notified us."

    Deputy Smith read Jody his rights, and placed him in the back of the patrol car. When the sheriff got behind the wheel, he turned on the dome light, and handed Jody a small piece of paper.

    "Lorraine asked me to give this to you."

    He unfolded the paper, and then began to read. "Dear Jody. You’re even more stupid than I thought. Your wife,

    Lorraine."

    Jody wadded up the note, and threw it on the floor.

    "You know Jody," the deputy reminded him, "this is the fourth time this month."

    Jody opened his eyes, and looked sleepily, around the living room. "I know gentlemen, but tomorrow is another day."