Lester Fritz cased out the house while standing in the shadows across the street. It looked rich enough to warrant his risk for a burglary. The lights went off several hours ago; he felt his skills would get him in and out with some loot without waking up the residents. The moon was being covered by dark clouds, shadowing the area even more than normal. The closest streetlights were a block away and the night was crisp from the fall weather. Perfect for a quick in and out - in Lester's opinion.

He crossed the street and walked down the sidewalk that ran along side the house; a six-foot wrought iron fence surrounded the property and home. The gate near the back opened silently as he slipped through, leaving it unlatched for his exit. Lester crept to the patio door and tried the handle. Locked. The rolled cloth he took from his jacket pocket contained rubber gloves, a glasscutter and a suction cup with a string attached to the back.

The latex gloves went on with a squeak of protest and when he attached the suction cup to a pane of glass, it slipped off. Lester licked the cup then put it back on and turned the lever. The suction cup held. The glasscutter made a rasping, irritating sound as it cut through the glass in a rather sloppy circle. His ears strained to pick up any sound coming from the house but heard nothing. He flicked his finger on the cut portion of the windowpane and pulled on the suction cup. The cut glass came out and he reached in and unlocked the door. He put the tools back in his pocket.

With the door left cracked open and a small flashlight in hand, he tiptoed to a desk against a far wall. Lying on the top of it were an MP-3 player – worth a couple hundred – a nice Timex wristwatch – should fetch twenty-five bucks - and, a long, black, coiled leash.

Uh, oh, a leash...bad news. The player and watch went into his jacket pocket. Must be a cat cuz there ain't no barking. Lester looked to his left then played the flashlight to his right. Standing in the hallway, staring at him with big eyes, and standing on bowed legs, was one of those flat-faced, cute but ugly, English Bulldogs. Damned if it didn't look like it was grinning.

"Shhh, nice dog. Nuttin's going on, just your Uncle Lester leaving. Good boy." Lester backed toward the patio door, thanking himself for the forethought to leave it and the gate open.

He turned and stepped through the door. "Ayieeee!" he screamed as the fangs sunk into both cheeks of his fanny. "Let go, let go. Ayieeee!" Lester tried grabbing the dog but its face was flush with his butt. He felt a jolt of what seemed like a thousand volts of electricity and sheer terror clutched his heart as the dog clamped down harder and locked its jaws.

Panic took over. Lester flung the patio door open, shattering the glass when it bounced off the wall, and ran into the yard. "Ayieeeee!" Came out of his mouth again. Lights came on in the second story of the house.

He slapped and punched at the dog as he ran in circles looking for the gate. There, oh God, there it is, "Get this thing off me…help!" The dog was still gripped to his butt and its feet were off the ground as Lester ran through the gate and down the street, screaming like a little girl who's seen a spider. "Ayieeeeee!"

* * *

Nancy Fearsome, Attorney at Law, stood outside a lounge fending off the advances of an obviously drunken fellow lawyer.

"C'mon, Nancy. Let's go to my apartment and have a nightcap, if you know what I mean." The man put his arms around her shoulders and tried drawing her closer.

"No Tom, I gotta get home, court tomorrow." She shrugged his arms off. Her head cocked. "What the hell is that?"

In the distance, a human siren wailed. "Ayieeeeee, ayieeeee!"

They both looked up the street and saw Lester running down the street with a dog attached to his rear end, a high pitched scream coming from his mouth. A small bundle fell out of his pocket and landed in the gutter.

"I've had too much to drink, " the drunk lawyer said. "It looks like that guy has a dog growing out of his butt." He shook his head back and forth.

"No, stupid! That's a victim, and money to be made." Nancy took off in a run after Lester. "Sir! Sir! I can help you!"

Lester turned into an alley and came up to a tall fence blocking his way. "Ayieeeeee! Get it off!" he screamed again.

Nancy came up beside him and immediately took in the scene. Man has dog chomping on butt. Someone has to pay. She swatted the dog on the head with her briefcase. "OFF!"

The dog turned its head and saw Nancy, then opened its mouth and dropped to its feet, tail wagging.

Light illuminated the alley from headlights along with red and blue flashing lights.

"Police, everyone freeze." The voice came from a radio speaker.

Lester continued to rub his fanny as tears dribbled down his face and a low moan came from his mouth. Nancy put her briefcase down then raised her hands.

"Attorney at law here. I'm a lawyer, settle down, boys."

"Oh crap, it's Fearsome," the voice over the speaker said.

Nancy shaded her eyes from the lights. "Mulrooney? Is that you?"

The cop car door opened. "Yeah, Nancy, it's me. What are you doing here?"

She put her arms down. "You tell me first."

A young cop pushed himself out of the car, puffed his chest out, and approached Lester. "Up against the wall, you know the position."

Lester turned and put both hands up on the building wall and spread his feet. "I ain't done nuttin'."

The cop patted him down and pulled the MP-3 player and wristwatch out of his coat pocket. "What'da we have here?"

"I found them on the sidewalk, just lying there." Lester said in a shaky voice.

"Just a moment, officer," Nancy said, moving between Lester and the cop. "This is my client, my seriously injured, client. Now, what are you accusing him of?"

The young cop turned to face her. "Burglary, the Pettigrew’s house on Elm Street. Let’s go, sport." The cop took his handcuffs from his belt and cuffed Lester’s hands behind him. "You’re under arrest." He guided Lester to the police car, opened the back door and lowered him into it.

"I thought you was my lawyer," Lester said. He rolled over so he sat on the side of his hip. "Do something, I'm really hurtin'."

"This man is seriously injured. I demand you take him to the hospital for treatment." She leaned into the car and whispered into Lester’s ear. "What’s your name?"

"Lester, Lester Fritz, and I ain’t done nuttin’ wrong." His voice was low and whiny, edged by a sob.

Nancy backed out of the car and stood up. "Mulrooney, I’ll meet you in the emergency room at the hospital. No questioning him, understand me?"

"Yeah, yeah. C’mon, Brad, let’s get the perp to the ER." Mulrooney grunted as he climbed into the driver’s seat. Brad sneered at Nancy on his way into the car.

Nancy watched as the police car backed out of the alley, slapped her thigh and said to the dog, "C’mon boy." The two trotted up the street to the bar parking lot where her BMW sat. She opened the door for the dog to get in the back seat and three minutes later she pressed the gas pedal down and kicked gravel up from the rear wheels as she fishtailed out of the lot toward the hospital.

Fifteen minutes later she entered the emergency room. Mulrooney and Brad stood around an examination table where a doctor was sewing up Lester’s fanny.

"You guys haven’t questioned him, have you?"

"No, we haven’t questioned him, Attorney Fearsome," Mulrooney replied. "And after he’s patched up, we’re booking him for burglary and putting him in a nice, clean cell. Then in the morning, we’ll let the detectives question him."

"Hey, I ain’t done nuttin’." A muffled voice said from the examination table.

"Keep quiet, Lester, I’ll handle this." She opened her briefcase and pulled a throwaway camera out. The shutter clicking sounded loud as she took pictures of the unrepaired wounds, and the wounds being repaired. "Terrible, absolutely terrible." Her tongue clicked.

At that moment, Mulrooney’s portable radio crackled with static and a tinny, raspy voice came over the microphone. "Base to Pat-13, come in."

A fat finger pushed the mike button. "Go ahead, base," Mulrooney said.

"Mrs. Pettigrew is on the phone; their dog is still missing. An English Bulldog. She said they last saw it attached to the back end of the burglar running away. Have you seen it?" The dispatcher asked.

"Oh crap. I forgot about the dog. It was in the alley when we nabbed Lester. Nancy, you seen it?"

The pleading in his eyes nearly made her laugh. "Maybe. Got one in my car. You’ll have to identify it as the dog in the alley and the Pettigrews will have to claim it as their dog. Ask what its name is."

"Base, find out the dog’s name." Mulrooney said. Small beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

"Pat-13, Base. The dog's name is Killer."

"Did you say...Killer?"

"That’s a big 10-4, Pat-13. Killer."

Mulrooney sighed. "Okay, tell the Pettigrews we have it and will drop it off at their house in a bit." He looked to Nancy and she nodded her head yes.

"Brad, you stay with Lester. I’m gonna go out and identify the mutt," Mulrooney said as he followed Nancy out the door. "I really appreciate this, Nancy."

"No problem." When they got to the BMW, she opened the back door and pointed to the Bulldog sitting on the seat. "Is this the dog you saw in the alley?" The dog grinned at him; slobber drooled from its jaws.

"Yup, now I’ll just take him off your hands." He reached into the car.

"Not so fast. I’ll drive you over to the Pettigrews. I want to make sure they can identify Killer as their missing dog." She had an arm across the door entrance.

"All right, all right. Lemme go tell Brad to take Lester downtown when the doc’s done."

They were silent as they drove to the Pettigrew’s house. Nancy parked by the back gate. The house looked like every light was on, and a detective’s car was in the driveway.

"Bring them out so they can see the dog and claim ownership." Nancy said. She reached over the seat and petted the animal’s head.

Mulrooney left the car and walked to the house. A minute later Nancy heard: "My baby, my baby! Killer, are you all right?"

A slim, middle aged, woman, dressed in a housecoat, ran to the car and opened the back door. Mulrooney was right behind her. The woman put both her arms around the dog’s neck and hugged. "Oh, you’re back, thank the Lord."

"This is positively your English Bulldog?" Nancy asked. The flash of her camera lightened the interior of the car. Nancy took two more pictures of the woman hugging the dog.

"Absolutely. This is my dog. And thank you for bringing him home. When he had a hold of that man’s rear-end and they disappeared down the street, I didn’t know what to think."

Mulrooney laughed. "Killer got that guy good, he did. He’ll be standing for quite a while, the shape his butt’s in now."

"Good," the woman said. "That’s what Killer was trained for, protection."

Nancy leaned toward the woman. "Take him. C’mon, Mulrooney, I got to get some sleep, I got a lotta work to do tomorrow."

***

The desk was a rich mahogany with the state’s flag and the United States flag crossed behind it against the wall. Thick carpet and earth tone walls gave the DA’s office the look of sincere prosecution. Nancy, Lester, Brad and Mulrooney sat in chairs in front of the massive desk. District Attorney Basil Tiltmore was seated behind the desk.

"You don’t have a case, Basil," Nancy said.

"And why not?" the DA replied.

"Easy, illegal search and seizure. Brad, here, before announcing any arrest, pounced on my client."

"Probable cause, Nancy, a burglary had just been reported and the description included a dog hanging on to the suspect. You’ll have to do better than that." The DA leaned back in his chair, a smile on his lips.

"My client was walking down the street and saw the items on the sidewalk. The dog attacked him before he could inquire as to the ownership of the watch and mp player. No one saw him inside the house, no forensic evidence was found inside that could implicate my client to being in the house, and like I said, illegal search and seizure, according to the very well known amendment. Basil, He was searched before he was arrested.

"Is that right, officer? You searched him before you arrested him?"

"Well, sir...uh..." Brad said.

"Yes or no."

"Ahhh...yes, sir."

Tiltmore’s face turned red. "All of you, get out. Ms. Fearsome, make sure your client knows how lucky he is. Officers, learn the correct procedures in arrest and search techniques. Now—out."

Lester looked at Nancy. "You got me off?"

"Keep your mouth shut and let’s go. Gentlemen." Nancy took Lester’s arm and the two walked out the door.

Outside the DA’s office, Nancy headed toward the door of the Clerk of Court.

"Where’re we going? I wanna get out of here." Lester stopped.

"This is where we make our wages, Lester. We’re going to sue the Pettigrews."

"Sue ‘em? For what?"

"Harboring a vicious animal that attacked you as you innocently walked down the sidewalk next to their house. The gate was open and pow, the dog took you."

"Really? How much can we get?" Lester started moving again.

"Don’t worry about it." She yanked a paper and a pen out of her briefcase. "Sign this. It won’t cost you anything but forty percent of what I get you."

***

"Five hundred thousand dollars? You’re mad." Mrs. Pettigrew said. Nancy and Lester sat in the parlor of the Pettigrew home.

"You’ve seen the pictures of the wounds, he’s still suffering from the trauma and pain." Nancy held the photographs in her hand.

Lester shifted in the chair. "I still hurt."

"He...he broke into our home."

"Careful, that’s slander. The police had no evidence. Mr. Fritz was a victim of circumstance. If the dog wouldn’t have attacked him, he would have asked if the items he found on your sidewalk were yours."

"We’ll just go to court then, this is ridiculous." Mrs. Pettigrew sniffed.

"That’s fine. You said in front of witnesses that Killer was trained for protection. To the layman, trained to attack." Nancy handed a folded paper to the woman. "If we go to court, this will be requested for the safety of citizens. Statute 3-4-660."

Mrs. Pettigrew unfolded the paper, then put her reading glasses on and read down the sheet. "You can’t be serious?" Tears formed and made her eyes sparkle.

"I’m sorry, but I am."

Killer was sleeping on Nancy’s foot. She pushed and the dog rolled on his back, evidently wanting his belly scratched. "It’s a shame, he’s a cute dog. Maybe we should wait until your husband gets home, although he might not think a dog is worth that much."

The sound of shoes clicking on a hard wood floor echoed as Mrs. Pettigrew walked to a desk and sat down. She opened a drawer and turned her back to Nancy.

Her steps when she returned were quick and short. "Here, no more, take it or leave it."

She held a check out. $125,000 was written on it.

Nancy took the check and signed a form. Handing it to Lester, she said, "Here, sign this. It’s a release." Her eyes narrowed when it looked like he was going to say something. He signed it.

She gave the form to Mrs. Pettigrew. "We’ll be leaving now. You’ll notice that a condition of the settlement is that it remains secret. You understand?"

"Don’t worry, I’ll certainly never say anything," Mrs. Pettigrew said. "Now if you’ll leave my house and never come back I'll be quite thankful."

***

The BMW raced down the street. "Why so fast?" Lester asked.

"We need to cash this check." The tires screeched as they went around a corner toward the bank.

"What was the statute you told her about?"

A smile spread across Nancy’s face. "Statute 3-4-660 got you $125,000 minus forty percent."

"They would have had to kill the dog?"

"That’s what Mrs.-I love my dog to pieces- Pettigrew thought. It’s the statute that states all dogs must be on a leash when off their property."

The sound of laughter coming from the BMW nearly obscured the engine’s roar.